“NO ONE LIKES A BANJO” Fredrick purred whilst hung, half naked from a tree this week. Well I say tree with vague optimism. One would hope the Icelandic and visually dynamic model wasn’t in fact, hanging from a children’s play frame in the park… that simply wouldn’t pleasure the facets of ones imagination to the same degree.
I know what you’re thinking and no, this is not a joke. For those of you who rely solely on my weekly recaps to divulge our local guilty pleasure, I can confirm, the producers of Made in Chelsea, have taken to literally hanging up old cast members as storylines continue to run dry.
Grinning like a cheshire cat, Fredrick advised his less visually and more intellectually friendly chum Francis, on his first date with the striking Natalya.
After things didn’t quite go to plan with old flame Louise, and another slightly more cunning cat, was let out of the bag in last weeks episode, it became apparent that Amber wasn’t after Francis for his charitable spirit and elocution expertise. What? She wants him for his diamonds? Despicable.
Good job Francis is ‘game’ for almost anything, or at least he appears to be down with the latest sloaney idioms such a ‘totes’ and ‘good form’ speaking of which, Hugo, if you are reading this, #sure is never going to trend via Twitter.
Toying with the idea of his and hers skateboards I began to wonder, did my concept of romance die when men stopped opening doors and giving up their seat on the tube? Or did this public school Peter Pan never grow up?
“Always good to be protected, especially on your first time,” Francis assured, questionably stealing quote of the week. He then lead the lovely Natalya to a private park bench scattered with Ikea-esk fairy lights, food and wine, now that constitutes as a romantic gesture, no? And so we watched our favourite diamond tycoon doing what he does best – wooing his lady: “Do you like kinky?” he murmurs. Oh Francis!
Speaking of romantic gestures, I would like to take a moment to corroborate the views of both Rosie and Louise who cooed over Spencer’s dating antics this week. Both were in agreement, that a guy leaving a dinner date with another girl to bring you flowers is “sweet.” Sure.
Whilst we’re hanging around Miss Thompson’s front door, where she films a good fraction of her scenes, I am beginning to wonder what she’s hiding in there, as she is obviously more comfortable doing her courting (call me old fashioned) in the street.
Meanwhile, the boys ventured across the bridge this week to enjoy a friendly kick about in Battersea Park, “I’m glad my misery is a joke to you mate?” Hugo complained at Spencer’s reminiscent remarks regarding last weeks ‘Millie’ drama.
“She deleted all the photo’s of me on Facebook,” Hugo moaned. OMG! - It must be serious. Not to worry though because “Doctor of happiness” Jamie revealed plans for a weekend away at his country house… A long weekend that unfolded a lot of “corridor creeping”, dinner parties, and a cocktail of too much wine mixed with long awaited confrontations, and let’s not forget… the cackling, cork popping crackpot Gemma, who was invited by Jamie to um’ cheer up Hugo - “I wouldn’t say it was a resounding success.” Neither would we Hugo, Neither would we?
Back in the Royal Borough, “swamp creatures,” sexy agony aunt Binky and the local singleton Cheska were treating themselves to a little pampering when surprise, surprise Ollie rocks up, not one to miss a spa date.
It seemed not even a Twitter campaign set up by her fans could find Cheska a man. Could this be the episode we asked ourselves, as a coy Cheska revealed that she was indeed ‘texting’ a man, a real man. We all crossed our fingers as the 25 year-old, who wanted to “keep it casual” by dragging her two friends to the Kensington night club, Amika, to meet a rather familiar looking extra… Kendall.
“Joseph and the technicolor dream coat or shiny shiny disco ball” were the outfits of choice for the evening. Thank goodness Binky was there to pick out yet another of Cheska’s safe and faithful leather numbers.
“Cheska wouldn’t go for an ugly bloke,” Ollie alleged and Binky kept her mouth shut as the Ollie look-a-like (or not) approached the pair at the bar. In the VIP lounge where I incidentally first saw Ollie with Chloe, right after the ‘coming out’ episode, the four sipped cocktails and exchanged awkward glances. No change there then.
“More men should explore the necklaces of the world.” Ollie declared later in the episode to an audience of local ‘fashionistas’ Mark and Amber, “you couldn’t get a better ambassador than a man who loves wearing necklaces,” and we thought we’d never have to whiteness his collection of pained expressions again. Well we thought wrong as “Tarzan comes to Paris.” No Ollie! No Tarzan.
Meanwhile, after dinner, drinks and a hearty game of ‘I have never’ (a game I have probably not played since high school) we found Hugo and Spencer engrossed in a heart to heart whilst perched on the bathtub in Jamie’s house. With a plan hatched under her nightgown, Louise snuck across the hallway and into to Caggie’s room. “Give Spence what he wants and put an end to it all” she pleaded. Desperate much?
Speaking of desperate, when poor Jamie knocked on Rosie’s door with a nightcap, “my house, my rules” he grinned; only to have the door shut in his face! I imagine an old cat lady of Chelsea when I think of Rosie, is that where she is headed? First Hugo wasn’t good enough, and now Jamie doesn’t quite make the cut. To think poor Cheska gets excitable over a text…
The next morning we awoke up to a rather beautiful day in the country, to the smell of bacon and to revelations: Spencer is never going to get over Caggie, period. Rosie missed out big time and Gemma, it turns out is not quite the distraction Hugo needed.
NEXT TIME: Spencer tells Caggie how he feels whilst she shares a cheeky snog with old flame Ollie Proudlock. Things turn sour between Ollie and Gabriella as he accuses her of putting a strain on his relationship with Chloe, but is Gab’s the problem? Find out on next weeks Made in Chelsea…
Rachael Grace is reviewing Made in Chelsea which is on Mondays, E4 at 10pm.
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